There are days like today, when I find myself amazed by my reality. I am going to graduate this year. I'm almost a doctor. Although I have been exhausted, drained, and jaded for much of the past two years, I believe that I am accomplishing something wonderful. I've learned so many life lessons from the hospital I have been rotating at for much of the last year and a half. This place is a rough city hospital with some of the most apathetic and burnt out staff you can imagine encountering, which can make your job so frustrating when all you want to do is help a patient and yet you are met with so much resistance and ignorance. Through this hellish experience, I have learned to value the angels who do care. Believe me, I have been surprised. There were a fair share of catty nurses, but there were also nurses who took the time to guide me through putting in IV lines when my residents wanted me to put them in patients even though I'd never done it before. And then there was Ms. J and Ms. L who are the most amazing Pediatric Hematology/Oncology nurses. They are probably the best nurses I've seen in this hospital so far, which is probably why they were given such an important job. It was fantastic working with them this month, especially because they understood my frustrations. But, on Friday, when I was chatting with Ms. J, she helped me realize the beauty of going to medical school at university whose patient population is underserved. Our system is overwhelmed and for that reason, students get the opportunity to behave as physicians. And, since there is so much apathy and burn-out amongst the physicians and nurses, I was able to help my patients much more by advocating for them and cutting through the dysfunctional system to get things done for them. This was the cause of much of my stress and burn-out and loss of faith in humanity at the time, but now I am so proud of myself. I know I helped very sick underserved patients and provided them with much better care than what they otherwise would have recieved had I not been there. That is the best reward I can think of. <3

"There is no way to Happiness, Happiness is the way.

There is no way to Peace, Peace is the way.

There is no way to Enlightenment, Enlightenment is the
way." ~Thich Nhat Hanh

Tonight I was reading through an old blog of mine and it struck me how much I have evolved and learned over the last few years. Medical school helped me grow into a much stronger person. I forget how fragile and afraid I was. I still am in many ways. But, I have become a much braver person, because medical school challenged me to grow. For that, I am forever grateful.

Thanks to being inspired by and drooling over this amazing woman's creativity for a few months now, I decided to put some work into my own blog tonight. I grabbed my camera this evening and took a walk in the park. I was determined to capture whatever I found interesting. I'm sad to say that I was too shy to snap the joyful girl that was happily running with her gorgeous white, fluffy dog. It was a beautiful moment. I wish I had one of those super long lenses, so that I could sneakily capture the scene. I was afraid that her mother would smash my face in. I mean it sort of is a bit weird for a stranger to be snapping away at your kid. And, after all, this is NYC. People are not necessarily that friendly. I really must find a way to capture people on camera without making myself look strange. It is quite difficult.

After I got home, I decided to try out picnik, which is amazing and, oh, so much fun! I am so amazed at the results. I feel like I am cheating, though!

I hate that creativity takes so much time and effort! I wish I had more time. I wish that this med school thing was over and done with. Sometimes I even wish I had never begun this arduous process. Looking back, I have no idea how I had the motivation.

I'm signing off for tonight. Have a beautiful evening. Sweet dreams.

The August air is thick with humidity making it an effort to breathe.
The heat alone is so exhausting. I have so much to think about these days with residency application deadlines looming. *sigh* Planning the next stage of my life is stressful.