It's been a while

Somewhere in between medical school and now, I seem to have grown up. Like I went from being a 21-year old idealist to a 75-year old jaded old woman. Medical school crushed my hopes about medicine and residency finished off the damage. Somehow I ended up in a pile of ashes, trying to make something out of the smoke and fog after the fire. The years of misery seemed to crawl by even though I felt like I was in the center of a tornado the entire time. At the end of it all, I was dumped in the middle of nowhere trying to pick up the pieces and figure it all out – sort of like a shell-shocked soldier. Out of battle yet still punching, fighting. Who is the enemy now? Myself, I guess. For months after residency I would have nightmares. The rage filled me to my core. But now what? Where do I go from here?

It seems only appropriate that my year of losses is ending with the loss of my voice. I may have laryngitis, but I also feel like the things I've been needing to say are lost inside of me, never to be heard, never to be understood. The sorrows have been stewing inside me without any sign of release. And so my body has now decided that my voice is useless rendering it vulnerable to an attack by a very nasty pediatric virus.

Today in clinic,
she gives me her number
Then she decides she would
like me to write down another
She opens her cell phone
and points to the name "Corazon"
I look at her
She blushes
"Su esposo?" I ask
"Si," she replies
I am moved for the rest of the day

Happy Halloween!

I decided I would share in the festivities with some autumn in New York photos. They are decidedly not Halloween themed, but I hope you enjoy anyway.

For the past week, it's come to my awareness that I need to be closer to God/spirit/the universe. I've realized that my life has lost its meaning in the midst of my pursuit of a medical degree and now the rigors of residency. It saddens me to think this way, but sometimes life feels so shallow, so self-centered, so finite and mundane. And I hate that.

Honestly, I am so anxious and stressed out most of the time. I don't have faith in positive outcomes. I am usually expecting the worst, on edge a lot of the time. I wish I had more faith. I wish I was certain of a higher presence guiding me, loving me, and holding me up.

I wish that in my work, I acted out of a higher sense of purpose, knowing that I am doing spiritual work by helping others. Right now, I don't feel that way. That also saddens me, because I wanted to become a doctor to achieve my highest purpose, which I believed was to help others. But, I don't feel this way anymore. Most of the time, I wonder why I went into medicine in the first place. I wish I had done something easier, less emotionally demanding, less stressful.

But, I want to be closer to God, for sure. In the midst of this busy life, I lament that I forget the larger picture, that something more beautiful than I realize exists.

What do you think?

I returned to blogger pleasantly surprised by all the marvelous template choices. Finally! So, I hope you are enjoying my new template as much as I am. I think it is pretty appropriate for fall.

I just finished my third month of Pediatrics residency. So far, so good. I am also in the midst of board studying for the 3rd and final part of the medical licensing exams. I cannot wait to get that test done with!

Hoping all is well with you.

There are days like today, when I find myself amazed by my reality. I am going to graduate this year. I'm almost a doctor. Although I have been exhausted, drained, and jaded for much of the past two years, I believe that I am accomplishing something wonderful. I've learned so many life lessons from the hospital I have been rotating at for much of the last year and a half. This place is a rough city hospital with some of the most apathetic and burnt out staff you can imagine encountering, which can make your job so frustrating when all you want to do is help a patient and yet you are met with so much resistance and ignorance. Through this hellish experience, I have learned to value the angels who do care. Believe me, I have been surprised. There were a fair share of catty nurses, but there were also nurses who took the time to guide me through putting in IV lines when my residents wanted me to put them in patients even though I'd never done it before. And then there was Ms. J and Ms. L who are the most amazing Pediatric Hematology/Oncology nurses. They are probably the best nurses I've seen in this hospital so far, which is probably why they were given such an important job. It was fantastic working with them this month, especially because they understood my frustrations. But, on Friday, when I was chatting with Ms. J, she helped me realize the beauty of going to medical school at university whose patient population is underserved. Our system is overwhelmed and for that reason, students get the opportunity to behave as physicians. And, since there is so much apathy and burn-out amongst the physicians and nurses, I was able to help my patients much more by advocating for them and cutting through the dysfunctional system to get things done for them. This was the cause of much of my stress and burn-out and loss of faith in humanity at the time, but now I am so proud of myself. I know I helped very sick underserved patients and provided them with much better care than what they otherwise would have recieved had I not been there. That is the best reward I can think of. <3