It is Saturday afternoon and I am sitting here studying, working toward one big dream. I have been losing sight of that lately, but I have faith that things will come together for me in a very beautiful way.

Today as I walked into school wearing my skirt and high-heeled boots, I imagined I was treading through a vast field with swings smack in the center. I just want to be alone like that for some time, just swinging up to the sky.

I saw my darling children in the pediatric unit today. They are the cutest little things on the planet. It surprises me to see what social beings we are...we need closeness on a very basic level...observing the kids made me realize that.

Had yoga class with my beloved Margherita. She always helps wring out the stress from my body and bring joy back into my heart.

What can I say? It has been painstaking. I don't know if I can continue anymore. It is hard to explain, but I feel myself so drained, so damn exhausted. I keep reaching for inspiration. I keep trying to cultivate my spirituality, but time is always a factor. I am barely making it. I just want a time out. I just want to be back in the Redwood Forest. I want to put my head on the earth again. The chief warned us not to leave our souls behind us and I'm afraid I did. I just want to be left alone for a little while. I need some time to myself. Time for inspiration. Time to dance. Time for freedom. I am so afraid of getting onto the wards and being so focused on learning medicine that I forget to see the patients as human beings in need of comfort and compassion.

I'm back. I need an outlet. I will post entries with pictures. I need to write. Have been feeling pulled here again. Will write again.
With Love.

Believing

I have to believe that everything is going to be okay. I have to believe that so strongly in my heart that everything is going to be okay.

Remembering

Beautiful soul,
I've been remembering you today. I just thought of how adorable you were when you worried about where I'd wind up going to med school. You were always so happy when I was home. You fretted that I wouldn't be next to you anymore. What I would give to hug you right now and give you a great big kiss on your cute head. I love you so much. I'm so sorry I got so busy that I couldn't be with you the way I wanted to be. I love you and I am coming to visit so soon. How I wish you were still here.

A New Day

I am determined to make the most of this day. I am determined to find happiness and beauty in this glorious, bright day.
I dark night has passed. Today brings hope. Today brings promise of positivity. All is well. I am on my divine path. Love surrounds me. Release is on its way.

Kissed goodbye to you, my sunshine
my beautiful, best friend for life
kissed you goodbye, my love


Two months ago I sat in his hospital room. The day was gray like today. So much the same. And I was so tired. God, I was so so tired. And my baby, he was leaving me and I couldn't even hold him. I couldn't even hold him in my arms the way I always did. I didn't even get the chance to whisper, to grasp, to hang on, to fight for the moments that were slipping through both of our hands. He was so sick, so incredibly ill. And I was spinning through the hectic life of medical school. And now he's gone. My love, my baby, my light, my best friend. He's not here with me anymore. There's a hole inside me. No one can fill it. I need someone to hold me so tight. Someone to make me feel safe again. I need...I need...I need....and I just don't know anymore. I am tired of always being with myself. Always alone. I need my soulmate now more than ever. But for now, there is only the earth to rest my head, my heart, upon.

It has been difficult watching the blossoms this spring. I feel so much frustration at not being able to grasp onto the beauty, hold it in my hands, embrace it with my whole body. Some days I wouldn't even give the blooming trees more than a passing glance, because it seemed so pointless. They were going to be gone soon anyway. And yet, I wanted to sit down and watch the branches sway and see the colors of
the flowers glow brightly in the sunlight. But, I couldn't. I was either rushing, rushing, rushing or I just couldn't bring myself to enjoy the splendor. I believed it to be apathy. Perhaps it was exhaustion...the feeling that I could never grasp all of the infinite beauty in front of my eyes leading me to give up and walk by. I am usually not that way. I have always been filled with wonderment. But lately that wonderment has been waning. I feel mentally and emotionally fatigued, just completely unable to care.

But, today, I went to the lily pond and it was so gorgeous, so splendid. The sun was glinting off of the leaves (the leaves that seem to have appeared overnight) and I was mesmerized. The cherry blossoms were falling to the ground so gracefully, like fairy wings. It wasn't long before I noticed an ant crawling under the fallen blossoms. I watched it for a while and felt connected to it. I was moved by its small size in relation to the entire universe and began to feel so protective of it that I was afraid it would be stepped on by people passing by. I was so relieved at being able to care for this creature that I nearly began to cry. I wish everyone to be able to sit in that silence and beauty for all their lives.

Inspiration

Gathering silence
With greedy fingertips
It takes too much to speak
And there are no words
To give me breath
There is nothing here
But peace

I stand here waiting again
The directions spun
I should be lost…I think
Instead I’m listening
Like it’s the same old thing
Same old, same old thing again
I’ve left something behind
I know I did

Maybe it’s not the blossoms
That are so out of place
Against these cold, gray days
Maybe it's me

JANE WHERE ARE YOU???

JANE.......


WHERE HAVE YOU GONE?


I MISS YOU!!! COME BACK!

Sad....

Going to drown in Mazzy Star.

Dancing into Spring

Could it be that spring has finally arrived? I am so cautious to get my hopes up, just in case a blizzard comes through and spoils the blossoms that are awakening from the earth.
The wind is so much milder than the months before and spring seems to have come so suddenly. The daffodils and crocuses have already sprung up. The callary pear trees are blooming and it is so sunny out. I feel hopeful, happy.
I feel as if I am making my way through the web that I skillfully wove and I can see things more clearly than before. I can see the way I questioned and abandoned myself so freely. Having questioned my beliefs and reached the bottom and then having been pulled from a sea that was about to swallow me whole, I am at a different place. A clearer place. There is somewhere constructive to go from here. Spring always holds that promise. I'm ready to breathe everything out, stretch out of this skin grown scaly from winters of introspection, confusion and dark nights. Ready to leap forward, morph into a new being, armed with clarity and certainty.

A Metaphor For a World Undone

She,
A reckless flame,
Spreading wildly
Across cityscapes
And abandoned fields;
A sphere of confusion,
And contradiction,
A wilted flower in its prime,
Lost in a maze,
Of howling wings,
A deluge of crows
Settling on the unprotected
Land of a gasping heart,
Bringing a sudden realization
that scavengers are
Omnipresent and will
Plunder all the most
Precious gems
Born so loosely,
Leaving a gaping, bleeding
Wound
In their wake.
Open, hurting
Barely having lived,
Now nearly dying.

I feel betrayed by her absence....she never even said goodbye.

And I have betrayed with my heart's lies.

Is there a lesson to be learned in silence, in bareness, in the winters of life?
Well, that may seem to be a silly question. There are lessons to learn in all aspects of life. But, especially in the slowing of life. Isn't it interesting that all creatures need peace? Animals must take their rest, trees cannot hold their leaves forever. Glory is neatly tucked away and we all grow a little weary.

Or do we?
I was a contradiction today in winter's embrace. I took a walk in today's gray morning. I love gray days. They are somber and perfect for contemplation. My mind was racing with thoughts of yesterday's mistakes and tomorrow's demands. But then, I looked up and noticed. The trees were bare and they were beautiful that way. They are whole and great even without their leaves. I have always admired the way tree branches sway gracefully against the night, creating such elegant silhouettes against the sky. I am absolutely in love with the Linden outside my bedroom window. She guards me. Our souls are one. Oh, as always, I digress. But, as I was saying. I noticed and it hit me. I used to be carried away in wonderment and I feel that I have let that wonderment go. I must have walked for a good couple of avenues before I looked up at the graceful poses of the branches. One tree's branches reached directly upward and it reminded me of how someone's hair would look if they had been struck by lightning. Okay, so I am slightly evil for finding that amusing...

Oh yes, back to the lessons. My mind was racing and the simplicity of winter reminded me to just stop and take the world in.

Three Little Birds

Even a day filled with errands, studying, and getting organized is filled with magic.
As I sat down to write an e-mail to my Bone Lab professor about working in the lab during break, I saw three greyish-brown birds seated softly outside my window. Their bellies were soft and puffed out. It seemed like they were resting warmly even in the winter cold. I was in awe of them. They were sitting so close to me. We were just separated by my window. I don't recall ever seeing birds like those before. I wish I knew which kind they were. I just recently began to notice them hanging around my backyard.
Well, as I sat down, two of them were scared away. But the last one was so nonchalant. It just sat there looking around, not caring about me being there. Then alas, some bird called out in urgency, catching this bird's attention. And off he flew.

Love was what I really needed all along. But how can it be that I never truly realized exactly how much?

It never made sense
the way you'd cross your
eyes and stumble your way forward -
you silly man, silly, silly man.
Why would you blur the edges of reality
into a senseless fog of reverse creation?
I never understood your music,
but I was moved nonetheless.
Farmer man,
sowing your seeds the only way you can.
A Shaman weaving magic in thin air.
I can see the fire in your belly -
quiet man on fire.
Peaceful man, wise man
walking Earth with your hands inside your heart.
Breaking nothing, imposing on nothing.
Oh, you'll be proud sir.
Today I walked in the forest
and dipped my toes into the earth,
like a tree knowing it was home.
I was reaching my hands out to the sky,
waking, stirring far and wide.
And laughing, laughing, laughing.
Silly girl, silly, silly girl to the world.