(photo taken from: http://pic.ty.sx.cn/jinqiu/s/autumn%20042.jpg)

It's Saturday afternoon and the day is absolutely amazing. I'm staring out the window and see yellow leaves glorifying the day with brilliance. I am so lucky to be here - to be watching this. Every year I never had the opportunity to enjoy autumn the way it deserves to be enjoyed and this year it is such a luxury. The leaves are golden and fiery. I like to think of it as a last sign of protest. This year, I will be able to watch the Thanksgiving Day Parade without worrying about Calculus, Organic Chemistry, Physics, 30 page papers. No this year, it is just autumn and I. How wonderful and truly nurturing, because I needed this silence, this solace, this grace. I needed this more than I ever truly understood and finally - FINALLY - I am happy, at peace, quiet. I can breathe. I am taking one long, long, long breathe, before I dive into choppy waters once again (that is if I get accepted to medical school for next fall). If not, then I get an extra year to breathe. But, if I do get in, this is my last chance to be carefree.
I am going to try to read some memorable books. Yum.

"Never give up, no matter what is going on, never give up. Too much energy is spent developing the mind instead of the heart. Be compassionate - not just to your friends - but to everyone, be compassionate. Work for peace, and I say again, never give up, no matter what is happening, no matter what is going on around you, never give up." ~Dalai Lama

Today I had a philosophy quiz. It turned out to be quite horrible, with me getting half of the questions right. Now normally, I would despair over something like this, but today I was determined not to let it interfere with my happiness. I refuse to let one quiz in philosophy dictate the way I feel about myself. Why should one quiz make me feel inadequate, unworthy, and stupid? There is more to life than that. There is more to me than just one bad grade. It is not the end of the world. I will do better next time. All is not lost. Life goes on. Let this be a test. I will not worry about the outcome of the semester and then I will see how it all turns out. Somehow, I have this notion that worrying changes the way things turn out. If I put myself through enough emotional misery, then perhaps I have willed the outcome of events to turn out better. Now, I will not worry. Whatever will be, will be.

I came home today and decided I wanted to do yoga. So, I did a few sun salutations and a few stretches and then meditated for five minutes. Afterward, the philosophy quiz seemed far far away. It no longer mattered. What matters is my inner peace and I embrace it.

I guess last week changed everything. I went to the American Medical Student Association's regional conference. To say it inspired me is an understatement. Among the most memorable speakers was a doctor who practices Ayurveda(ancient Indian medicine) and another doctor who practices Energy Medicine. As I sat there listening to their talks, I could feel myself getting emotional. I nearly began to cry. I felt as if I were home. Three years of being pre-med, of taking difficult science classes, of studying for the MCAT, of worrying, of constantly comparing myself to others. Three years of that and my soul eroded. My light, my peace all went down the toilet. I betrayed my heart by believing I was less intelligent, less talented, less significant than all the other people around me. For the life of me, I could not see anything good about myself anymore. It was the deepest low I have ever sunken to. And then last week, those healers spoke directly to my heart. The part of me I questioned, neglected and refused to see, was finally nurtured in the way I so desperately needed it. I have been awakened again. My talent is in my heart. My talent is my will to heal others and to fight for justice in the world. It has nothing to do with test grades or how intelligent I am. Intelligence is a wonderful gift to those who possess it, but it is useless if it not used to help other people. What use is a brilliant mind if it focused on personal gain? I now realize that I should have stood tall all along. I have a heart. I have a heart. I can love. I can touch other people, reach out to those who need me. I can heal with my whole being....and that is the greatest gift I could have ever asked for.