It has been difficult watching the blossoms this spring. I feel so much frustration at not being able to grasp onto the beauty, hold it in my hands, embrace it with my whole body. Some days I wouldn't even give the blooming trees more than a passing glance, because it seemed so pointless. They were going to be gone soon anyway. And yet, I wanted to sit down and watch the branches sway and see the colors of
the flowers glow brightly in the sunlight. But, I couldn't. I was either rushing, rushing, rushing or I just couldn't bring myself to enjoy the splendor. I believed it to be apathy. Perhaps it was exhaustion...the feeling that I could never grasp all of the infinite beauty in front of my eyes leading me to give up and walk by. I am usually not that way. I have always been filled with wonderment. But lately that wonderment has been waning. I feel mentally and emotionally fatigued, just completely unable to care.

But, today, I went to the lily pond and it was so gorgeous, so splendid. The sun was glinting off of the leaves (the leaves that seem to have appeared overnight) and I was mesmerized. The cherry blossoms were falling to the ground so gracefully, like fairy wings. It wasn't long before I noticed an ant crawling under the fallen blossoms. I watched it for a while and felt connected to it. I was moved by its small size in relation to the entire universe and began to feel so protective of it that I was afraid it would be stepped on by people passing by. I was so relieved at being able to care for this creature that I nearly began to cry. I wish everyone to be able to sit in that silence and beauty for all their lives.

Inspiration

Gathering silence
With greedy fingertips
It takes too much to speak
And there are no words
To give me breath
There is nothing here
But peace

I stand here waiting again
The directions spun
I should be lost…I think
Instead I’m listening
Like it’s the same old thing
Same old, same old thing again
I’ve left something behind
I know I did

Maybe it’s not the blossoms
That are so out of place
Against these cold, gray days
Maybe it's me

JANE WHERE ARE YOU???

JANE.......


WHERE HAVE YOU GONE?


I MISS YOU!!! COME BACK!

Sad....

Going to drown in Mazzy Star.

Dancing into Spring

Could it be that spring has finally arrived? I am so cautious to get my hopes up, just in case a blizzard comes through and spoils the blossoms that are awakening from the earth.
The wind is so much milder than the months before and spring seems to have come so suddenly. The daffodils and crocuses have already sprung up. The callary pear trees are blooming and it is so sunny out. I feel hopeful, happy.
I feel as if I am making my way through the web that I skillfully wove and I can see things more clearly than before. I can see the way I questioned and abandoned myself so freely. Having questioned my beliefs and reached the bottom and then having been pulled from a sea that was about to swallow me whole, I am at a different place. A clearer place. There is somewhere constructive to go from here. Spring always holds that promise. I'm ready to breathe everything out, stretch out of this skin grown scaly from winters of introspection, confusion and dark nights. Ready to leap forward, morph into a new being, armed with clarity and certainty.

A Metaphor For a World Undone

She,
A reckless flame,
Spreading wildly
Across cityscapes
And abandoned fields;
A sphere of confusion,
And contradiction,
A wilted flower in its prime,
Lost in a maze,
Of howling wings,
A deluge of crows
Settling on the unprotected
Land of a gasping heart,
Bringing a sudden realization
that scavengers are
Omnipresent and will
Plunder all the most
Precious gems
Born so loosely,
Leaving a gaping, bleeding
Wound
In their wake.
Open, hurting
Barely having lived,
Now nearly dying.

I feel betrayed by her absence....she never even said goodbye.

And I have betrayed with my heart's lies.