There's a hole in my center where the aching comes and goes, comes and goes.
I sit here listening to Chopin, trying to distract myself from work. I don't want to focus, because it's too restraining and I have been restrained too much already. And I figure there is more restraint ahead....
Autumn has arrived. The night air is crisp and I love it. The last time I wrote of the autumn air was three years ago when I was just beginning college. How could I have known just how much glass and fire I would walk over. It isn't over yet, but I'm letting things come together. There is still a haze I can't see through and don't know whether I'll see my way out of. But, there are angels who have pulled me out of the violent waters I have been drowning in. So, I consider myself lucky.

I wonder when I will be satisfied with myself. There always seems to be some fault or hole that needs to be filled. I am not complete and never will be. I'm still struggling to embrace what I have, but it's hard and I am trying to try.

I've started to run. Well not really. I can only jog for about five minutes. Today I jogged for six. I think it's my way of physically manifesting my desire to run away from myself.....Even so, I will survive this. I must quiet my mind. I must learn to love myself for who I am or else I will meet my demise. Coflicts. Conflicts. Reaching toward love or succumbing to self-loathing. Self-loathing really amounts to loathing the whole world and I don't want to be that way. I just want to breathe and let go. Letting go.....it's something I don't know too much about. But, I can fake it until I make it. I can fake courage and confidence. I can pretend until I am that way. In a sense, I guess it's good that I am always striving to be a better person. I am always trying to reach toward such high standards. Too high almost. It makes it so easy for me to fall.

I'm comfortable writing here. I think I will stay. I like being alone and this time it has nothing to do with being hurt and running away. I just want quiet. Goodbye xanga. Hello blogger.