Is there a lesson to be learned in silence, in bareness, in the winters of life?
Well, that may seem to be a silly question. There are lessons to learn in all aspects of life. But, especially in the slowing of life. Isn't it interesting that all creatures need peace? Animals must take their rest, trees cannot hold their leaves forever. Glory is neatly tucked away and we all grow a little weary.

Or do we?
I was a contradiction today in winter's embrace. I took a walk in today's gray morning. I love gray days. They are somber and perfect for contemplation. My mind was racing with thoughts of yesterday's mistakes and tomorrow's demands. But then, I looked up and noticed. The trees were bare and they were beautiful that way. They are whole and great even without their leaves. I have always admired the way tree branches sway gracefully against the night, creating such elegant silhouettes against the sky. I am absolutely in love with the Linden outside my bedroom window. She guards me. Our souls are one. Oh, as always, I digress. But, as I was saying. I noticed and it hit me. I used to be carried away in wonderment and I feel that I have let that wonderment go. I must have walked for a good couple of avenues before I looked up at the graceful poses of the branches. One tree's branches reached directly upward and it reminded me of how someone's hair would look if they had been struck by lightning. Okay, so I am slightly evil for finding that amusing...

Oh yes, back to the lessons. My mind was racing and the simplicity of winter reminded me to just stop and take the world in.

Three Little Birds

Even a day filled with errands, studying, and getting organized is filled with magic.
As I sat down to write an e-mail to my Bone Lab professor about working in the lab during break, I saw three greyish-brown birds seated softly outside my window. Their bellies were soft and puffed out. It seemed like they were resting warmly even in the winter cold. I was in awe of them. They were sitting so close to me. We were just separated by my window. I don't recall ever seeing birds like those before. I wish I knew which kind they were. I just recently began to notice them hanging around my backyard.
Well, as I sat down, two of them were scared away. But the last one was so nonchalant. It just sat there looking around, not caring about me being there. Then alas, some bird called out in urgency, catching this bird's attention. And off he flew.

Love was what I really needed all along. But how can it be that I never truly realized exactly how much?

It never made sense
the way you'd cross your
eyes and stumble your way forward -
you silly man, silly, silly man.
Why would you blur the edges of reality
into a senseless fog of reverse creation?
I never understood your music,
but I was moved nonetheless.
Farmer man,
sowing your seeds the only way you can.
A Shaman weaving magic in thin air.
I can see the fire in your belly -
quiet man on fire.
Peaceful man, wise man
walking Earth with your hands inside your heart.
Breaking nothing, imposing on nothing.
Oh, you'll be proud sir.
Today I walked in the forest
and dipped my toes into the earth,
like a tree knowing it was home.
I was reaching my hands out to the sky,
waking, stirring far and wide.
And laughing, laughing, laughing.
Silly girl, silly, silly girl to the world.

Pathetic Attempt to Humor Self

Today's most Humbling Moments:

1. Realizing I left the lab oven on for 3 days straight at 800 C and may have to face the possibility of having burned down my school. (FUCK!)
2. I almost ran a child over today. But honestly, what was he doing running into the middle of the street? I should have gotten out of the car and kicked his scrawny ass. On second thought, where the fucking fuck were his parents? I should have gotten out of the car, asked him where he lives and thrown doggy poo at his parents....

Today's Random Fact:
1. Kiwi's are really good and you can eat them without peeling off the skin by scooping the fruit out with a spoon. (Yay!)

Today's Most Regrettable Fact:
1. I have four papers due in a week. All of which I have yet to begin. (FUCK!)

Today's Conclusion:
I say FUCK too much.

ColorQuiz.com Results:

Needs, and insists on having, a close and understanding relationship, or at least some method of satisfying a compulsion to feel identified.

Feels that life has far more to offer and that there are still important things to be achieved--that life must be experienced to the fullest. As a result, she pursues her objectives with a fierce intensity that will not let go of things. Becomes deeply involved and runs the risk of being unable to view things with sufficient objectivity, or calmly enough; is therefore in danger of becoming agitated and of exhausting her nervous energy. Cannot leave things alone and feels she can only be at peace when she has finally reached her goal.

Remains emotionally unattached even when involved in a close relationship.
Feels that she cannot do much about her existing problems and difficulties and that she must make the best of things as they are. Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity.
Seeks success, stimulation, and a life full of experience. Wants to develop freely and to shake off the shackles of self-doubt, to win, and to live intensely. Likes contacts with others and is enthusiastic by nature. Receptive to anything new, modern, or intriguing; has many interests and wants to expand her fields of activity. Optimistic about the future.

The fear that she might be prevented from achieving the things she wants leads her to play her part with an urgent and hectic intensity.

(photo taken from: http://pic.ty.sx.cn/jinqiu/s/autumn%20042.jpg)

It's Saturday afternoon and the day is absolutely amazing. I'm staring out the window and see yellow leaves glorifying the day with brilliance. I am so lucky to be here - to be watching this. Every year I never had the opportunity to enjoy autumn the way it deserves to be enjoyed and this year it is such a luxury. The leaves are golden and fiery. I like to think of it as a last sign of protest. This year, I will be able to watch the Thanksgiving Day Parade without worrying about Calculus, Organic Chemistry, Physics, 30 page papers. No this year, it is just autumn and I. How wonderful and truly nurturing, because I needed this silence, this solace, this grace. I needed this more than I ever truly understood and finally - FINALLY - I am happy, at peace, quiet. I can breathe. I am taking one long, long, long breathe, before I dive into choppy waters once again (that is if I get accepted to medical school for next fall). If not, then I get an extra year to breathe. But, if I do get in, this is my last chance to be carefree.
I am going to try to read some memorable books. Yum.

"Never give up, no matter what is going on, never give up. Too much energy is spent developing the mind instead of the heart. Be compassionate - not just to your friends - but to everyone, be compassionate. Work for peace, and I say again, never give up, no matter what is happening, no matter what is going on around you, never give up." ~Dalai Lama

Today I had a philosophy quiz. It turned out to be quite horrible, with me getting half of the questions right. Now normally, I would despair over something like this, but today I was determined not to let it interfere with my happiness. I refuse to let one quiz in philosophy dictate the way I feel about myself. Why should one quiz make me feel inadequate, unworthy, and stupid? There is more to life than that. There is more to me than just one bad grade. It is not the end of the world. I will do better next time. All is not lost. Life goes on. Let this be a test. I will not worry about the outcome of the semester and then I will see how it all turns out. Somehow, I have this notion that worrying changes the way things turn out. If I put myself through enough emotional misery, then perhaps I have willed the outcome of events to turn out better. Now, I will not worry. Whatever will be, will be.

I came home today and decided I wanted to do yoga. So, I did a few sun salutations and a few stretches and then meditated for five minutes. Afterward, the philosophy quiz seemed far far away. It no longer mattered. What matters is my inner peace and I embrace it.

I guess last week changed everything. I went to the American Medical Student Association's regional conference. To say it inspired me is an understatement. Among the most memorable speakers was a doctor who practices Ayurveda(ancient Indian medicine) and another doctor who practices Energy Medicine. As I sat there listening to their talks, I could feel myself getting emotional. I nearly began to cry. I felt as if I were home. Three years of being pre-med, of taking difficult science classes, of studying for the MCAT, of worrying, of constantly comparing myself to others. Three years of that and my soul eroded. My light, my peace all went down the toilet. I betrayed my heart by believing I was less intelligent, less talented, less significant than all the other people around me. For the life of me, I could not see anything good about myself anymore. It was the deepest low I have ever sunken to. And then last week, those healers spoke directly to my heart. The part of me I questioned, neglected and refused to see, was finally nurtured in the way I so desperately needed it. I have been awakened again. My talent is in my heart. My talent is my will to heal others and to fight for justice in the world. It has nothing to do with test grades or how intelligent I am. Intelligence is a wonderful gift to those who possess it, but it is useless if it not used to help other people. What use is a brilliant mind if it focused on personal gain? I now realize that I should have stood tall all along. I have a heart. I have a heart. I can love. I can touch other people, reach out to those who need me. I can heal with my whole being....and that is the greatest gift I could have ever asked for.

There's a hole in my center where the aching comes and goes, comes and goes.
I sit here listening to Chopin, trying to distract myself from work. I don't want to focus, because it's too restraining and I have been restrained too much already. And I figure there is more restraint ahead....
Autumn has arrived. The night air is crisp and I love it. The last time I wrote of the autumn air was three years ago when I was just beginning college. How could I have known just how much glass and fire I would walk over. It isn't over yet, but I'm letting things come together. There is still a haze I can't see through and don't know whether I'll see my way out of. But, there are angels who have pulled me out of the violent waters I have been drowning in. So, I consider myself lucky.

I wonder when I will be satisfied with myself. There always seems to be some fault or hole that needs to be filled. I am not complete and never will be. I'm still struggling to embrace what I have, but it's hard and I am trying to try.

I've started to run. Well not really. I can only jog for about five minutes. Today I jogged for six. I think it's my way of physically manifesting my desire to run away from myself.....Even so, I will survive this. I must quiet my mind. I must learn to love myself for who I am or else I will meet my demise. Coflicts. Conflicts. Reaching toward love or succumbing to self-loathing. Self-loathing really amounts to loathing the whole world and I don't want to be that way. I just want to breathe and let go. Letting go.....it's something I don't know too much about. But, I can fake it until I make it. I can fake courage and confidence. I can pretend until I am that way. In a sense, I guess it's good that I am always striving to be a better person. I am always trying to reach toward such high standards. Too high almost. It makes it so easy for me to fall.

I'm comfortable writing here. I think I will stay. I like being alone and this time it has nothing to do with being hurt and running away. I just want quiet. Goodbye xanga. Hello blogger.

Caught in the Storm

So here I am again. The storm has passed. I feel like being alone. I have come to confide and know that no one will ever see this. I have a home somewhere. I have a home in the rain and on the grass that grows so tall and sways with the wind. I am a child. At the same time, I am tall. I speak winter and summer at the same time. I look for meaning and find it in a turtle swimming happily around lily pads. I find joy in watching the sunlight glitter through the leaves. If I watch that scene long enough, the colors look like paint and I think of the colors I would mix to depict that moment perfectly.
I just want to dance and scream and be loud today. I WANT TO BE LOUD. I want to hear my voice. I want to know that I AM ALIVE. Oh, today. Oh, today.
There are worries, of course. There are things to get done. It is to be expected. But, there is also breath and I refuse to be brought down. I REFUSE. I want to sway today like the branches on a willow tree. I want to walk barefoot over wet stones and feel my skin being drenched by the rain. I want to see water droplets run over my skin. I want to feel my hair wet and know that the wind is blowing above me. Oh, I so want to live. I so want to live and embrace and rejoice. I want to make love to the earth. I want to pretend that I am a fairy and that I can fly. But where am I flying? And must I fly alone?