I thought I could keep medical school from getting to me. I thought I could keep myself together. But this has been the most grueling period of time, ever. I have never been working as hard as I am now. The exhaustion has taken over my mind, my body, my spirit. And, goodness, I've felt so trapped. So damn trapped. I am a free spirit. I've never felt as though I've belonged here. My house has always been a sad one. My family life a dysfunctional, broken one. And I just long, so much, to break free from here. From school, from home, from this lonely life as I know it. And I know I shouldn't say lonely because I've been with M for over a year now and he has been the most tremendous friend. But, part of me wonders whether I rely too much on him now when I really need to rely on myself.

Burnt Out

I need to make it through these last few days and I just feel so drained. There is nothing I can grasp hold of deep within to keep me going. No glory to win, no hope of acing my exam, just the same old same old need to pass and move on with my life. I am at the point of tears. I just cannot do it anymore.

Exhausted.

I can't wait to sleep. Just one more week to go.

I shall buy comfy pajamas for the occassion.

I'm wearing rose quartz around my neck. My heart feels so heavy. I've been hit so hard. We lost two patients this week. One of them could have been saved. One of them went into shock right in front of me. I thought she was having an allergy to the oral contrast I had given her. Oh, god, I killed her, I kept thinking. "Wake up, please just wake up," I kept begging through my round of chest compressions. After 40 minutes we stopped resuscitating. Then the family came. I didn't know what to say. "I'm so sorry," I told the woman's only daughter. I asked if she needed anything, brought her a box of tissues, and basically did not know what to do with myself. And then, I locked myself in the bathroom and sobbed.

I am needing to honor these losses, these women who passed, the knocks I'm being hit with. Here's to the honor of the journey bestowed upon me.

Home

The days are long, exhausting. I leave home in the early morning before I have time to wonder whether the sky is gray because the sun hasn't come up yet or because it's going to be pouring rain all day long. Today is the second time this week it's happened. I find myself staring out the hospital windows dazed at the rain. The fact that there is life outside of the hospital seems so strange. And then it begins to rain and it's time to go home and I've got no umbrella. Strange that it should rain so unexpectedly...I think to myself. It's like I am off in space since rotations began at KCH this week.
But, the thought of autumn and burning earthy colored candles and drinking hot tea and getting into a warm pair of sweatpants and the soft pretty sweatshirt that M bought for me makes me so happy. I'm so happy it's autumn. I'm so very exhausted right now and I can't wait to just crawl into bed and sleep feeling the warmth of my orange tea light glowing over my skin.

There are endless possibilities in this patch of rocky earth. Each stone is so different, so brilliant in its shape, size, and texture. And so, I realize there are so many possibilities in life, too. This reality of mine, which seems so very important to me at the moment, is just a product of my mind. But, I know in my heart there is a vastness, something so transcendent that I actually hope I never understand in a rational way. It gives me hope to even remember that there are other truths in this life, that my egotisical reality is not all there is. It gives me hope that for a time I will be able to find myself within the heart of something far greater than I have ever imagined.

There is a path, like a wish or a dream. Something so immaterial, so serene. Something like a raindrop dancing its way across time.

A whisper of love so tender, so sublime.

Time spins eternally, sometimes so unmercifully. Sometimes I tread obligingly, sometimes I stand still barely noticing, sometimes I cling against its force with bitter tenacity.

Studying for Step 1

Here I am again. Studying - again. This time it's for the first part of the Board exam. Hopefully, I will pass it and then I will be a 1/3 MD. But, it is so sunny and summery outside. And I am feeling summery. I can't sit here anymore. I feel this delusional sense of optimism - like everything is going to be okay. Like, why should I burn myself out worrying over this exam? It's just an exam and I really don't care. As long as I pass.... I just want to be in the country right now, sitting under a glorious tree, glowing with love for the world.
I feel a rush. I'm going to be a doctor. And it's going to be great!

It is Saturday afternoon and I am sitting here studying, working toward one big dream. I have been losing sight of that lately, but I have faith that things will come together for me in a very beautiful way.

Today as I walked into school wearing my skirt and high-heeled boots, I imagined I was treading through a vast field with swings smack in the center. I just want to be alone like that for some time, just swinging up to the sky.

I saw my darling children in the pediatric unit today. They are the cutest little things on the planet. It surprises me to see what social beings we are...we need closeness on a very basic level...observing the kids made me realize that.

Had yoga class with my beloved Margherita. She always helps wring out the stress from my body and bring joy back into my heart.

What can I say? It has been painstaking. I don't know if I can continue anymore. It is hard to explain, but I feel myself so drained, so damn exhausted. I keep reaching for inspiration. I keep trying to cultivate my spirituality, but time is always a factor. I am barely making it. I just want a time out. I just want to be back in the Redwood Forest. I want to put my head on the earth again. The chief warned us not to leave our souls behind us and I'm afraid I did. I just want to be left alone for a little while. I need some time to myself. Time for inspiration. Time to dance. Time for freedom. I am so afraid of getting onto the wards and being so focused on learning medicine that I forget to see the patients as human beings in need of comfort and compassion.

I'm back. I need an outlet. I will post entries with pictures. I need to write. Have been feeling pulled here again. Will write again.
With Love.