Monday, December 15, 2008
I thought I could keep medical school from getting to me. I thought I could keep myself together. But this has been the most grueling period of time, ever. I have never been working as hard as I am now. The exhaustion has taken over my mind, my body, my spirit. And, goodness, I've felt so trapped. So damn trapped. I am a free spirit. I've never felt as though I've belonged here. My house has always been a sad one. My family life a dysfunctional, broken one. And I just long, so much, to break free from here. From school, from home, from this lonely life as I know it. And I know I shouldn't say lonely because I've been with M for over a year now and he has been the most tremendous friend. But, part of me wonders whether I rely too much on him now when I really need to rely on myself.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
Oh dear. I know exactly, exactly where you are. I worked my way through law school and had nothing but 15-18 hour days every day for 4 years. Hang in there. It does end. Not nearly as soon as we'd like, but it does end. And when it does, you'll look back and feel an incredible sense of accomplishment that no one can ever, ever take away. It's so worth it. Hang in there.
I will come back to check on you - so make sure you write again soon! While wearing your new, comfy pajamas!
One more thought: once the exhaustion abates you won't feel so trapped and will have more energy and spirit to work on the other things. Your degree will open up so many doors - doors that would not have opened without it. And that will give you so many more resources to work with. Trust me. I've been there, too...
Thank you for your kind comments on my last post! I do appreciate them and wish my mother had been as understanding. But I am grateful for friends who can step in and lift us up when we need it. I think you're right - a support group of others in the same boat will be helpful. I have been to one but am not quite convinced it's the right one yet. But will certainly keep trying. In the meantime, I'm just so glad to have a new year and a fresh start!
- Honey
I remember when my sister was in med school and doing rotations. The world will try to get you down, pull you down, beat you down. Wear you out and throw you out -- don't let it. You are valued and loved -- know that. Know that you can rest in the Love of God even when there seems to be no rest. Rely on Him.
As tired as my sister got and as heart breaking as it was to lose a patient -- I will never forget the joy in her voice the day she called to tell us she had saved the life of a baby that was stillborn. She was there to help create a miracle.
There will be moments like that for you too. Hang in there.
Post a Comment