It's been a while

Somewhere in between medical school and now, I seem to have grown up. Like I went from being a 21-year old idealist to a 75-year old jaded old woman. Medical school crushed my hopes about medicine and residency finished off the damage. Somehow I ended up in a pile of ashes, trying to make something out of the smoke and fog after the fire. The years of misery seemed to crawl by even though I felt like I was in the center of a tornado the entire time. At the end of it all, I was dumped in the middle of nowhere trying to pick up the pieces and figure it all out – sort of like a shell-shocked soldier. Out of battle yet still punching, fighting. Who is the enemy now? Myself, I guess. For months after residency I would have nightmares. The rage filled me to my core. But now what? Where do I go from here?

It seems only appropriate that my year of losses is ending with the loss of my voice. I may have laryngitis, but I also feel like the things I've been needing to say are lost inside of me, never to be heard, never to be understood. The sorrows have been stewing inside me without any sign of release. And so my body has now decided that my voice is useless rendering it vulnerable to an attack by a very nasty pediatric virus.

Today in clinic,
she gives me her number
Then she decides she would
like me to write down another
She opens her cell phone
and points to the name "Corazon"
I look at her
She blushes
"Su esposo?" I ask
"Si," she replies
I am moved for the rest of the day

Happy Halloween!

I decided I would share in the festivities with some autumn in New York photos. They are decidedly not Halloween themed, but I hope you enjoy anyway.

For the past week, it's come to my awareness that I need to be closer to God/spirit/the universe. I've realized that my life has lost its meaning in the midst of my pursuit of a medical degree and now the rigors of residency. It saddens me to think this way, but sometimes life feels so shallow, so self-centered, so finite and mundane. And I hate that.

Honestly, I am so anxious and stressed out most of the time. I don't have faith in positive outcomes. I am usually expecting the worst, on edge a lot of the time. I wish I had more faith. I wish I was certain of a higher presence guiding me, loving me, and holding me up.

I wish that in my work, I acted out of a higher sense of purpose, knowing that I am doing spiritual work by helping others. Right now, I don't feel that way. That also saddens me, because I wanted to become a doctor to achieve my highest purpose, which I believed was to help others. But, I don't feel this way anymore. Most of the time, I wonder why I went into medicine in the first place. I wish I had done something easier, less emotionally demanding, less stressful.

But, I want to be closer to God, for sure. In the midst of this busy life, I lament that I forget the larger picture, that something more beautiful than I realize exists.

What do you think?

I returned to blogger pleasantly surprised by all the marvelous template choices. Finally! So, I hope you are enjoying my new template as much as I am. I think it is pretty appropriate for fall.

I just finished my third month of Pediatrics residency. So far, so good. I am also in the midst of board studying for the 3rd and final part of the medical licensing exams. I cannot wait to get that test done with!

Hoping all is well with you.

There are days like today, when I find myself amazed by my reality. I am going to graduate this year. I'm almost a doctor. Although I have been exhausted, drained, and jaded for much of the past two years, I believe that I am accomplishing something wonderful. I've learned so many life lessons from the hospital I have been rotating at for much of the last year and a half. This place is a rough city hospital with some of the most apathetic and burnt out staff you can imagine encountering, which can make your job so frustrating when all you want to do is help a patient and yet you are met with so much resistance and ignorance. Through this hellish experience, I have learned to value the angels who do care. Believe me, I have been surprised. There were a fair share of catty nurses, but there were also nurses who took the time to guide me through putting in IV lines when my residents wanted me to put them in patients even though I'd never done it before. And then there was Ms. J and Ms. L who are the most amazing Pediatric Hematology/Oncology nurses. They are probably the best nurses I've seen in this hospital so far, which is probably why they were given such an important job. It was fantastic working with them this month, especially because they understood my frustrations. But, on Friday, when I was chatting with Ms. J, she helped me realize the beauty of going to medical school at university whose patient population is underserved. Our system is overwhelmed and for that reason, students get the opportunity to behave as physicians. And, since there is so much apathy and burn-out amongst the physicians and nurses, I was able to help my patients much more by advocating for them and cutting through the dysfunctional system to get things done for them. This was the cause of much of my stress and burn-out and loss of faith in humanity at the time, but now I am so proud of myself. I know I helped very sick underserved patients and provided them with much better care than what they otherwise would have recieved had I not been there. That is the best reward I can think of. <3

"There is no way to Happiness, Happiness is the way.

There is no way to Peace, Peace is the way.

There is no way to Enlightenment, Enlightenment is the
way." ~Thich Nhat Hanh

Tonight I was reading through an old blog of mine and it struck me how much I have evolved and learned over the last few years. Medical school helped me grow into a much stronger person. I forget how fragile and afraid I was. I still am in many ways. But, I have become a much braver person, because medical school challenged me to grow. For that, I am forever grateful.

Thanks to being inspired by and drooling over this amazing woman's creativity for a few months now, I decided to put some work into my own blog tonight. I grabbed my camera this evening and took a walk in the park. I was determined to capture whatever I found interesting. I'm sad to say that I was too shy to snap the joyful girl that was happily running with her gorgeous white, fluffy dog. It was a beautiful moment. I wish I had one of those super long lenses, so that I could sneakily capture the scene. I was afraid that her mother would smash my face in. I mean it sort of is a bit weird for a stranger to be snapping away at your kid. And, after all, this is NYC. People are not necessarily that friendly. I really must find a way to capture people on camera without making myself look strange. It is quite difficult.

After I got home, I decided to try out picnik, which is amazing and, oh, so much fun! I am so amazed at the results. I feel like I am cheating, though!

I hate that creativity takes so much time and effort! I wish I had more time. I wish that this med school thing was over and done with. Sometimes I even wish I had never begun this arduous process. Looking back, I have no idea how I had the motivation.

I'm signing off for tonight. Have a beautiful evening. Sweet dreams.

The August air is thick with humidity making it an effort to breathe.
The heat alone is so exhausting. I have so much to think about these days with residency application deadlines looming. *sigh* Planning the next stage of my life is stressful.

I thought I could keep medical school from getting to me. I thought I could keep myself together. But this has been the most grueling period of time, ever. I have never been working as hard as I am now. The exhaustion has taken over my mind, my body, my spirit. And, goodness, I've felt so trapped. So damn trapped. I am a free spirit. I've never felt as though I've belonged here. My house has always been a sad one. My family life a dysfunctional, broken one. And I just long, so much, to break free from here. From school, from home, from this lonely life as I know it. And I know I shouldn't say lonely because I've been with M for over a year now and he has been the most tremendous friend. But, part of me wonders whether I rely too much on him now when I really need to rely on myself.

Burnt Out

I need to make it through these last few days and I just feel so drained. There is nothing I can grasp hold of deep within to keep me going. No glory to win, no hope of acing my exam, just the same old same old need to pass and move on with my life. I am at the point of tears. I just cannot do it anymore.

Exhausted.

I can't wait to sleep. Just one more week to go.

I shall buy comfy pajamas for the occassion.

I'm wearing rose quartz around my neck. My heart feels so heavy. I've been hit so hard. We lost two patients this week. One of them could have been saved. One of them went into shock right in front of me. I thought she was having an allergy to the oral contrast I had given her. Oh, god, I killed her, I kept thinking. "Wake up, please just wake up," I kept begging through my round of chest compressions. After 40 minutes we stopped resuscitating. Then the family came. I didn't know what to say. "I'm so sorry," I told the woman's only daughter. I asked if she needed anything, brought her a box of tissues, and basically did not know what to do with myself. And then, I locked myself in the bathroom and sobbed.

I am needing to honor these losses, these women who passed, the knocks I'm being hit with. Here's to the honor of the journey bestowed upon me.

Home

The days are long, exhausting. I leave home in the early morning before I have time to wonder whether the sky is gray because the sun hasn't come up yet or because it's going to be pouring rain all day long. Today is the second time this week it's happened. I find myself staring out the hospital windows dazed at the rain. The fact that there is life outside of the hospital seems so strange. And then it begins to rain and it's time to go home and I've got no umbrella. Strange that it should rain so unexpectedly...I think to myself. It's like I am off in space since rotations began at KCH this week.
But, the thought of autumn and burning earthy colored candles and drinking hot tea and getting into a warm pair of sweatpants and the soft pretty sweatshirt that M bought for me makes me so happy. I'm so happy it's autumn. I'm so very exhausted right now and I can't wait to just crawl into bed and sleep feeling the warmth of my orange tea light glowing over my skin.

There are endless possibilities in this patch of rocky earth. Each stone is so different, so brilliant in its shape, size, and texture. And so, I realize there are so many possibilities in life, too. This reality of mine, which seems so very important to me at the moment, is just a product of my mind. But, I know in my heart there is a vastness, something so transcendent that I actually hope I never understand in a rational way. It gives me hope to even remember that there are other truths in this life, that my egotisical reality is not all there is. It gives me hope that for a time I will be able to find myself within the heart of something far greater than I have ever imagined.

There is a path, like a wish or a dream. Something so immaterial, so serene. Something like a raindrop dancing its way across time.

A whisper of love so tender, so sublime.

Time spins eternally, sometimes so unmercifully. Sometimes I tread obligingly, sometimes I stand still barely noticing, sometimes I cling against its force with bitter tenacity.

Studying for Step 1

Here I am again. Studying - again. This time it's for the first part of the Board exam. Hopefully, I will pass it and then I will be a 1/3 MD. But, it is so sunny and summery outside. And I am feeling summery. I can't sit here anymore. I feel this delusional sense of optimism - like everything is going to be okay. Like, why should I burn myself out worrying over this exam? It's just an exam and I really don't care. As long as I pass.... I just want to be in the country right now, sitting under a glorious tree, glowing with love for the world.
I feel a rush. I'm going to be a doctor. And it's going to be great!

It is Saturday afternoon and I am sitting here studying, working toward one big dream. I have been losing sight of that lately, but I have faith that things will come together for me in a very beautiful way.